nothin but words

So it's been forever since i've been here but growth is growth.  I'm ill on so many levels. throwing off toxins in my body and my relationships and some relationships as a whole  IT hurts, i ache, i feel icky but it has to be done.  washing it down with water because  don't wanna shed no more tears for this shit.

I never knew (but I did) that some relationships transitioning would hurt so intensely.  But here we are and here I go...because I gotta keep moving forward

each one is a different size and shape.  some stick and stay while others roll down combining with another causing the momentum of sliding down the window to increase.  I love the sound of rain.  Sitting in my room with the windows open, listening to the cars drive across wet streets, rain taps against the roof and splats on the ground.  it's a hypnotic melody that distracts me from my task at hand.  Instead my mind drifts to island beach homes with tin roof patios, watching the tide come in and out.  I sit in a comfortable pillowy rattan sofa enjoying the breeze and aroma of the sea.  i can't swim just yet but one day i'll be able to run out into that blue water and swim not knowing if it's the water in the sea or the rain drops from the sky hitting my face. 

There will be no cars driving down wet roads there only the sound of waves crashing and music faint in the distance. Stars overhead dance behind moving clouds in my island rain dream.  For now I settle for the sounds of rain dancing against pavement, roof tops and tree limbs.  a steady beat of water falling from the gutters lulls me into shallow breathing...eyes closing...I hear the zzzzzzzzzz's escape my mouth...awakened i smile.

Is it My bad news or someone else's

I am working to not be totally overwhelmed.  I really didn't wait until the last minute however at 8pm on a Weds I feel like I'm CRAMMING.  I haven't finished the effin paper and I still dont' understand my calculus shit.  I have both due tomorrow AND a frickin dance that I really don't even know what to do.  I KNOW my mensus is approaching so everything is magnified however right now..Right this FUCKING minute...

I wanna scream, cry and say I QUIT...however....

In my sober mind I look at what precedence that sets. See THE GIRL is not on top of her schmidt and is looking like she ain't marching in May.  I put major restrictions on her life however it doesn't seem to move her one bit.  Additionally, THE BOY has offered his expertise as he's just endured that shit for the last ...years of his life however THE GIRL Swears her situation is different because she chooses to SEE things through her own twisted vision.

So does it all really impact me?  well I won't have to stress about prom costs or graduation issues.  I can just keep my focus on me. So why am I trippin? because it's MY GIRL! and I (despite everything i've read and learned) TAKE THE ISH PERSONALLY. 

There I said it.  And so IF THE Girl doesn't do what she needs to do people will look at ME as the failure.  DAMN . 

Okay now to go figure out this math shit...I wanna give up but I"m too stubborn. 

A really tough day

So it's early evening and I'm about to dive into the second half of my studying for today.  I'm listening to the Girl talk about her babysitting experience.  The Boy is sleeping. I am waiting on my Trini-style pahties to be delivered. I spent 5 hours in my Statistic's professors office.  About 7 other classmates showed up and we went over a whole lot.  I realized that I'm making some really simple and stupid mistakes.  I need to really KNOW this material. 

I'm also approaching mensus and for you ladies you KNOW that means all I wanna do is.... SLEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

NOPE can't do it.

I"m doing okay on my challenge.  Since I"m doing the challenge I've left the other Lenten commitments alone. 

Well books are calling me. See ya later.

Losing count

Okay I"m sure I'm not even half way through this and I've lost count and clarity on what I'm doing. I still haven't stopped by the Chocolate Bar however I've eaten ice cream twice and I haven't done a jumping jack yet...


I was on my crunches and then just fell off. I think Procrastination and distraction have teamed up to fail me in my Lenten endeavors.  This book project has me on the edge of complaining however not whining.  Where is my WILL????

I won't give up.  I will get back on my workouts and I will not eat anymore ice cream until the end.  I have only a few more weeks I think to go.  i really need to consult a calendar.  it's 40 days from Fat Tuesday right?    Hell I don't even know when this ends LMAO!

I am working smarter on school work however.  I'm feeling better about that.


well I need to get to the post office.  Did you hear they are eliminating Saturday delivery? 

Day 8

Okay so I've not been doing a day to day account of this Lenten commitment and it's not because I've been slacking. (even though I have been)  It's understandable considering that I have a shit load of things on my plate.  AGAIN.  I've been doing not too badly on the 200 situps a day. I did miss the ENTIRE damn weekend of doing them though.  I haven't done a jumping jack yet LMAO! I have been writing and not complaining OR whining OR procrastinating. 

That's the big part for me.  Now the weight issue or workout issue may have a HUGE turn of  luck but I won't know until after Monday at 6pm.  I wanna do salsa lessons but they begin next week and well...it depends on Monday's news as well. LOL. 

The book MPMF is done. IT went to print on Saturday and well I still need to find the damn money to fulfill my March 1st obligation! YIKES!  I think I have it. 

I still haven't received the text book I ordered last week I have HOMEWORK people!  oops is that complaining?  I hope not.  LOL

I miss my friend over at Feed your Soul (insert sad missing you face here!)

Okay well back to work. Statistics and Calculus are calling me

Day one

No whining today. NO procrastinating.  Just finished 200 crunches. Menses ended so no craving for Chocolate Bar. I did want some ice cream though.

Writing...I guess I'll do my best to squeeze in 30 mins and the meditation is not looking to good right now. I"m pooped. Now I could just write here but that's not the same.  I did discover something today...My prayers are heard and responded to accordingly.  I'm REALLY thankful however I"m also like DANG! did I ask for that?  YEP.

BIG SMILE inserted here!

I spoke on the phone with a friend today and she stated an observation about me. She says you LIKE attention. You enjoy being noticed HOWEVER only when you want it and for the duration that you are comfortable with it.  You are like...yes and all smiles then when it gets to be too much you are like Whoaaaaaaaa back up.  LMAO !  it's really true I never thought of it that way.

So that's been day one.. nothing too spectacular. OH I filed my taxes!  That's a plus for sure! 

Okay good night.

40 days..

Okay so i'm not catholic however I did attend a catholic highschool, private AND all girls.

We practiced lent as most girls did, speaking on what we'd give up for 40 days. chocolate,candy, chewing gum, lying, french fries etc.

As i've gotten older I have reversed it and instituted what I would vow to do for 40 days instead of what would I give up.

At age 42 i'm going to lookat it even more different LL

I have a list of things to consider.

1. no chocolate cake or ice cream
2. no procrastination
3. no whining

or I could institute some things
1. write every day for 30 mins at least
2. do 200 crunches a day
3. do 200 jj's 3xs a week
4. meditate for 15 mins every morning and evening

maybe I can combine the two. 
I have a few days...only a few...I'll keep ya posted on what I decide.

...

so i'm stressed.  youngest not doing so well.  shortcuts to success not panning out so well. oldest is pushing forward with transitions.  I'm just staying out the way.  Moon time is here so my reflection is deeper than normal.  experiencing that dark loneliness again. realization that i am not okay with just me.  I have people around but they are just around.  i really just need to push beyond this shitty feeling.  it's not easy. i feel like folks only want me around for a few reasons and then that's it.  sometimes i feel like no body wants me around at all.   well it's 4 i have 3 hrs before this dinner. so i guess i'll get out and force myself to play for a while. i still don't have shit to wear.  damn.... okay get up and get outta here...  before the tears come again

overwhelmed

Be careful what you pray for...the Universe listens and answers

I requested a semester of no working. A semester to attend school full time.  I asked for financial blessings to cover me and my family during this time without concern of how to make ends meet (no pun intended on my dba)  I asked for minimal distractions.  

I got what I asked for and MORE. The loans and grants are plentiful, I am in school full time beginning this semester with a 3.44 gpa.  My family is all here, soon we will all be full time students.  Support, I have friends and "family" who are cheering me on.  BUT....

I'm not resting well, my eye is jumping often, my back aches, my neck aches, i'm not grasping all the information, my time management sucks and my body hurts from walking across campus every day (oh and the 2 to 3 flights of stairs to get to my destinations)  

I don't have anyone to love on me and I am overdue for some mind blowing sex. yep I said it. I'm 42 years old and I've never had an orgasm. But that's another blog. 

So (exhaling) I refuse to give up or drop any classes but I gotta get my head wrapped around this shit. I'm setting an example I know so I can't lose my grip now.  I wanna cry but that would only slow me down and I have algebra that I dont' understand to finish tonight before I retire.  

 I realized that I"m just living for the end of the semester. Next semester is NOT going to be this packed with hard ass courses. WTF was I drinking?  

You'll never be given more than you can bear...

Just keep reminding me of that every damn day because I'm soooooo ready to lay down and cry.

 

Missing him

For 22 years I've loved him.  I've endured (by choice) so much just to see him smile.  I've watched him love and hurt, sometimes running to be by his side to hold him and other times observing from a distance because I know that a woman can't always protect when she feels it.

For 22 years I've despised him and secretly wished him to stop breathing because his decisions caused me so much anguish.  Those times when he consciously decided to go against what I had thought best for him.  It was then that I was ready for him to go...

For 22 months I was unaware of his whereabouts.  No phone calls, cards, notes nothing.  I was concerned if he was safe.  I wanted confirmation that he was alive and breathing. I wanted confirmation that he was not in pain or hungry.  I received nothing.

For 22 months I pushed to move him outta my mind.  I replaced him with me and my desires.  I felt abandoned and unappreciated and I wanted no memories of him.  He hurt me intentionally to pursue his own frivolous whims...after all I'd been to him

For 22 days I have worked to get myself ready for the next phase of us. I've strategically spoken with people that are familiar with what I might encounter. I have mapped out what is important to me and listed what I will and will not tolerate.


For 22 days I have been restless, tossing and turning at night.  I have anxiety about what it will be like when he returns.  I have strategically set up things for him to be consumed and expand his mind. I have spoken to people who recognize that I will need to be detached yet available.

For 22 hours I have thought about my space and him in it again.  How does that feel? What does that look like?  Will he want to be here with me again? Will his love for me be fake and just tolerating me until he can do what he wants?

For 22 hours I have tossed and turned, restless, cranky and irritable.  I have decided to be closed and distant. I can't afford to be that open for him as I was before. I'm not sure he is ready for me. I won't fake what I feel however I also won't tolerate what doesn't feel good to me.

For 22 mins...I have thought of nothing else except that in the next 24 hours my phone will ring and he will say...

Mom...I'm here and ready to come home.

Day 20

So it's Day 20 and life is just going along.  I am almost done with my first week of school and I can tell you now that I won't be doing much outside of studying.  Limited socializing and playing.  So blogs may or may not take on new and different meaning but on Day 20...it's the quiet before the storm.

I hope to keep you posted and not stay away too long but in the event I do...check thru some of the archives and entertain yourselves. 

Day 13...

LOL.  10 days later and much has changed.  New interests, new friends, new discoveries about who I am.  I'm liking this so far.  Got a new laptop, new software, and new access to those that I love and love me.  New outlook on relationships and how they work. New excitement and new anxieties about what is to come.

No longer seeking the arms of someone else, only my own.  Haven't kicked in my weight release regime but it's coming.  I am about to finish up my writing projects (not my own but those of others) and then I'll begin to lay mine out.  So on day 13 things are aight. NO complaints

My son will be home soon and my daughter is approaching a milestone in her life.  And me...

IT's just Day 13 for me.

Day 3

Third day of the new year.  I've spent time with an old friend that says I have a healing quality about me.  He has no idea.  I must make sure however that he doesn't fall for me.  Funny thing about healing is that your "patient" may mistake the feeling good as FEELING GOOD. 

It's all in sincerity and love but ya know someone has to keep their feet on the ground.  So I insist that we communicate so we  can always make sure we aren't corrupting the process of his healing.  Truth is...it's not just his healing it's also my own.  I have trust issues behind my last encounter with a man and so engaging in a platonic but emotional relationship with another man is testing to say the least. It would be soo easy to take advantage of this situation however that would do nothing for me or him in the long run.  So I'm staying his friend.  I'm actually enjoying myself! I've offered some of my anecdotes to get over and get on with things while offering a safe space for him to release what hurts.

In this...I feel appreciated I don't have to look over my shoulder wondering if what I'm doing is violating anyone else and it's just nice.  He's amazingly supportive and even PUSHY about me doing what I need to do.  (he was CRITICALLY instrumental in my meeting a serious deadline)

Our next feat is heath or moreso diet and exercise.  We both are carrying emotional baggage in the form of excess weight and it is NOT good for either of us.  So we are going to buddy up and get this shit off.  In the interim, he's insisting I refresh my fluency in French (bought me the Rosetta Stone software) and I'm insisting he pursue his love of driving cars REALLY fast. 

It feels nice to have someone to push and pull with again. AND it doesn't require sex.