A taste for something different.

My tastebuds are not happy today. They crave something new and different yet as I run through the list in my mind nothing sparks an appetite.

That statement could be taken so many ways yet I'm referring to lunch eating options.  Yet IF i decided to take it somewhere else it would still apply.  I feel like i'm surrounded with the same ole bull shit. The same song and dance. The same abuse to victim patterns that dictate the reality around me.

But I'm hungry so I"m trying to discern what my options are. Handicapped by having no access to a vehicle I travel in my mind to places, tasting the experience they offer and it's BLAND and unappealing.  It all ends with a bottle of water and regurgitating words onto a website that no one visits because I haven't given the site out for comments.  Burp...empty air, growling stomach...

unsatisfied with what i've been eating....

hungry for something new

Released

POP! that's what it felt like when the spot was pricked. I always imagined it would be an Ooooooozzzzzing like the air slowing leaking from a pierced balloon. Instead it was a PRICK! a sudden burst that led to uncontrollable laughter masking sobs. I felt the humor in my gut as it rose up to the surface and EXPLODED into tears. It completely bypassed the lump in the throat; pushing upward and out with a momentum that I could control and ... tears.

I wished they were silent tears the kind that run down your face unnoticed and you brush them off with your shoulder but NO these tears were screaming to be heard, seen, touched and I was NOT alone. Embarrased and shocked at my reaction to my soul being punctured I tried to hide my face, silence the noise bubbling up inside and that only made the sobs intensify.

I tried to center myself, control the breathe, focus on something else and the centering was the catalyst that kept reigniting the mechanism that sent my breathe into sporadic firing exposing the leaking in my eyes. I wish I could stop it!! Why...can't...I...make...this...stop?

What is going on? Why am I out of control of my emotions and thoughts. What are my thoughts? its feels blank and yet i KNOW that my brain is racing it's like someone/something is blocking me from hearing my thoughts like it's just letting me FEEL and not think.

...calm, inhale/exhale, a smile of confusion...

Releasing something inside

wishing I had an idea of what life holds for me. tears falling down a dry face never quite reaching beyond my nose they evaporate for fear that someone may see the crack in my armor.

Those that I thought had answers only have answers for them. Those that don't have anything offer me promises they can't keep. I am in the middle, trying hard to hold on to my sanity, my hope, my belief in what's possible for me when I have no clue if who i've been in really me. I want to cry but my heart says "bitch you bet NOT." so I sit stuffed inside this prison I created to protect me that now suffocates the who that I fear may never be born...



and I don't think anyone even notices