Reflections to 20

I was supposed to be completing a written work titled "Reflections to 20." I wanted to offer my lessons, challenges, successes over the past 20 years. I haven't touched it in over a year.

I hold my head in shame because I have avoided picking up the piece in fear of not knowing what to reflect upon and what to leave to memory. More importantly, I'm afraid that I may not have learned some lessons that should be obvious to me.

However in my fear I also have realized that I've allowed my fear of truly reflecting of to keep me from moving forward. Every book that I've read recently and am still in the midst of reading speaks to cutting off one's self in order to deal with everyday life. I KNOW that I've done this. To break out of this is hard because it's soo much easier to look at where I've been. Many have no idea the emotional and somewhat physical abuse I endured over the years. Scars that are not visible to the human eye but can be felt by a soul if I allow it close enough. How I lost everything that I defined myself by (material items AND both my children). The loneliness, the isolation, the strangers that came in to help me but in the end at night it was just me...and a God I did not understand.

When the Creator moved me from that "valley" to a "Peaceful Groove," and then I encountered the Anthrax Hoax case that invaded my personal space and totally broke my spirit and heart going forward. No one realized that I have been locked within myself searching ALONE for a key to release myself because I know longer trust any other HUMAN being with my spirit and heart.

Recently I attempted to be open and yet the entire time I KNOW that I kept that part of me removed from the experience. I have learned to successfully (joke) to experience joy and pleasure from behind a well designed mask. But how long can I breathe here? No one really wants to deal with a wounded soul...not really...not even me

I miss you...

I woke up with you on my mind this morning. I have slowly removed your things from the house. Not all your things just the things accumulated when you "changed." I kept the parts of you that were pure, excited and untainted.

Still I miss you. I found myself lingering in front of your trophies, books you read and told me about with such enthusiasm. I stared at the hundred of cars that you refuse to allow anyone to touch and I smiled at the stuffed animals you chose to keep in your space.

Moving through my morning I decided that it was okay to miss you as much as I want to be angry with you about living your life the way that you do. Sitting on the train I listened to my ipod and read this book about the how young girls and boys change somewhere in adolescents and there was this part about the interaction of fathers with their sons and I was like..yeah yeah blah blah blah. However, when I reached the section on the relationship of mothers and sons I began to feel a lump in my throat and my nose heating up and my eyes swelling and I closed the book. I miss you. I have decided that this separation is necessary however it hurts like hell to NOT know where you are and how you are.

As I allowed myself to FEEL this range of emotions we were passing the Greyhound station and outside on the side of the building sat a young man with his bags, his head in his lap with his hands holding onto his head...asleep and I wanted to scream your name because it looked sooo much like you and I pray that it was NOT.

I know you will return one day when you are able to make sense of what is and isn't in your world. I know you aren't perfect and neither am I. We both cut off a large portion of ourselves in order to survive in the world I put us in. I'm moving forward anyway...I really need you to do the same.

But KNOW that I miss you.

Mom.

This walk with you

This walk with you...

I can't believe how easily I accepted your hand and followed you. How you just asked and I allowed you inside. This walk with you already has my head spinning and I'm not saying that to stroke your ego but to try to understand why and what the hell is happening here?!

I've been guarded for years now. I stepped out a few times since I put my heart in a vault. I maintained a safe distance and I was okay. But with you...I accepted your invitation gave you permission to be near me and you have stepped right up in my face and I can't breath.

Not the smothering kinda can't breath but the take your breathe away kinda loss. I have felt something familiar and yet this is all sooooo new to me. I don't understand your motives, your reasons for extending your hand to me.

You respect me like a gentleman, you hold me like a passionate love and you speak to me like a dear and cherished friend. I'm so lost right now. And I really don't care that I'm lost and that has me baffled even more. So now what? I don't even wanna know, I mean I can wait and wait I do for the next sounds to drop from your lips; the next message, the next time that you touch me just to feel ME...FEEL me.

"for every pound that occurs, I'll hold you closer. For every "eye opening" experience, I'll hold you tighter. For every bite of your lip I"ll kiss you longer... I'm the other part."

It's not my sex you are tugging at...it's my heart and I confess it terrifies me but damn it as much as I'm scrambling to hold on to my fortress...it's melting slowly and all I can think is

STOP

What if you can'/won't feed this hunger? What if I fall for you simply because you are being and doing all that is wonderful in my world? What if it consumes us both? What if ...

I stop asking these questions, and I walk with you anyway...

Released

Taking a chance on an opportunity to see what it's like to be the me I dream about. To step outside of the world (I built) that has held me captive and protected into one that is unpredictable and provocative.

Allowing myself to be "released" from what is familiar, painful and easy for a glimpse at experiencing sensations unknown, tantalizing and challenging.

Am I who I think I am? Am I who you think I am? Am I who I think you think I am?

We'll just have to see...

What's now behind me

Still marinating on what's passed. I'll share soon.