nothin but words

So it's been forever since i've been here but growth is growth.  I'm ill on so many levels. throwing off toxins in my body and my relationships and some relationships as a whole  IT hurts, i ache, i feel icky but it has to be done.  washing it down with water because  don't wanna shed no more tears for this shit.

I never knew (but I did) that some relationships transitioning would hurt so intensely.  But here we are and here I go...because I gotta keep moving forward

each one is a different size and shape.  some stick and stay while others roll down combining with another causing the momentum of sliding down the window to increase.  I love the sound of rain.  Sitting in my room with the windows open, listening to the cars drive across wet streets, rain taps against the roof and splats on the ground.  it's a hypnotic melody that distracts me from my task at hand.  Instead my mind drifts to island beach homes with tin roof patios, watching the tide come in and out.  I sit in a comfortable pillowy rattan sofa enjoying the breeze and aroma of the sea.  i can't swim just yet but one day i'll be able to run out into that blue water and swim not knowing if it's the water in the sea or the rain drops from the sky hitting my face. 

There will be no cars driving down wet roads there only the sound of waves crashing and music faint in the distance. Stars overhead dance behind moving clouds in my island rain dream.  For now I settle for the sounds of rain dancing against pavement, roof tops and tree limbs.  a steady beat of water falling from the gutters lulls me into shallow breathing...eyes closing...I hear the zzzzzzzzzz's escape my mouth...awakened i smile.

Is it My bad news or someone else's

I am working to not be totally overwhelmed.  I really didn't wait until the last minute however at 8pm on a Weds I feel like I'm CRAMMING.  I haven't finished the effin paper and I still dont' understand my calculus shit.  I have both due tomorrow AND a frickin dance that I really don't even know what to do.  I KNOW my mensus is approaching so everything is magnified however right now..Right this FUCKING minute...

I wanna scream, cry and say I QUIT...however....

In my sober mind I look at what precedence that sets. See THE GIRL is not on top of her schmidt and is looking like she ain't marching in May.  I put major restrictions on her life however it doesn't seem to move her one bit.  Additionally, THE BOY has offered his expertise as he's just endured that shit for the last ...years of his life however THE GIRL Swears her situation is different because she chooses to SEE things through her own twisted vision.

So does it all really impact me?  well I won't have to stress about prom costs or graduation issues.  I can just keep my focus on me. So why am I trippin? because it's MY GIRL! and I (despite everything i've read and learned) TAKE THE ISH PERSONALLY. 

There I said it.  And so IF THE Girl doesn't do what she needs to do people will look at ME as the failure.  DAMN . 

Okay now to go figure out this math shit...I wanna give up but I"m too stubborn. 

A really tough day

So it's early evening and I'm about to dive into the second half of my studying for today.  I'm listening to the Girl talk about her babysitting experience.  The Boy is sleeping. I am waiting on my Trini-style pahties to be delivered. I spent 5 hours in my Statistic's professors office.  About 7 other classmates showed up and we went over a whole lot.  I realized that I'm making some really simple and stupid mistakes.  I need to really KNOW this material. 

I'm also approaching mensus and for you ladies you KNOW that means all I wanna do is.... SLEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

NOPE can't do it.

I"m doing okay on my challenge.  Since I"m doing the challenge I've left the other Lenten commitments alone. 

Well books are calling me. See ya later.

Losing count

Okay I"m sure I'm not even half way through this and I've lost count and clarity on what I'm doing. I still haven't stopped by the Chocolate Bar however I've eaten ice cream twice and I haven't done a jumping jack yet...


I was on my crunches and then just fell off. I think Procrastination and distraction have teamed up to fail me in my Lenten endeavors.  This book project has me on the edge of complaining however not whining.  Where is my WILL????

I won't give up.  I will get back on my workouts and I will not eat anymore ice cream until the end.  I have only a few more weeks I think to go.  i really need to consult a calendar.  it's 40 days from Fat Tuesday right?    Hell I don't even know when this ends LMAO!

I am working smarter on school work however.  I'm feeling better about that.


well I need to get to the post office.  Did you hear they are eliminating Saturday delivery? 

Day 8

Okay so I've not been doing a day to day account of this Lenten commitment and it's not because I've been slacking. (even though I have been)  It's understandable considering that I have a shit load of things on my plate.  AGAIN.  I've been doing not too badly on the 200 situps a day. I did miss the ENTIRE damn weekend of doing them though.  I haven't done a jumping jack yet LMAO! I have been writing and not complaining OR whining OR procrastinating. 

That's the big part for me.  Now the weight issue or workout issue may have a HUGE turn of  luck but I won't know until after Monday at 6pm.  I wanna do salsa lessons but they begin next week and well...it depends on Monday's news as well. LOL. 

The book MPMF is done. IT went to print on Saturday and well I still need to find the damn money to fulfill my March 1st obligation! YIKES!  I think I have it. 

I still haven't received the text book I ordered last week I have HOMEWORK people!  oops is that complaining?  I hope not.  LOL

I miss my friend over at Feed your Soul (insert sad missing you face here!)

Okay well back to work. Statistics and Calculus are calling me

Day one

No whining today. NO procrastinating.  Just finished 200 crunches. Menses ended so no craving for Chocolate Bar. I did want some ice cream though.

Writing...I guess I'll do my best to squeeze in 30 mins and the meditation is not looking to good right now. I"m pooped. Now I could just write here but that's not the same.  I did discover something today...My prayers are heard and responded to accordingly.  I'm REALLY thankful however I"m also like DANG! did I ask for that?  YEP.

BIG SMILE inserted here!

I spoke on the phone with a friend today and she stated an observation about me. She says you LIKE attention. You enjoy being noticed HOWEVER only when you want it and for the duration that you are comfortable with it.  You are like...yes and all smiles then when it gets to be too much you are like Whoaaaaaaaa back up.  LMAO !  it's really true I never thought of it that way.

So that's been day one.. nothing too spectacular. OH I filed my taxes!  That's a plus for sure! 

Okay good night.