He said he was different...

I was an idiot to believe him....

I shoulda been... coulda been..

DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!

it's over halfway through this month and I've done some de-cluttering however I've not written a DAMN syllable for NanoWrimo. SHIT SHIT SHIT..

I know that if I put my mind to it I can come close by midnight the 31st however it's going to REALLY mean that I'm writing my ASS off. So unclear of what to write about. I could work on my stuff or compile something new but shit i'm all over the planet on this one...

too many distractions and too much unstructured FREE time to wander in my head.  HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!

Sometimes...

Sometimes it's just not enough room in here to hold all of me inside.  And so I leak...

I walk around masked from many because to expose the soul that resides within this frame would send many into a headspin and they'd explode with confusion...so I

Keep it to myself and I smile and laugh. I silently observe and discuss within my UNSUPERVISED mind the turmoil of the humans and relationships and how do I fit into it all...so I

Feel what I shouldn't for folks that haven't asked me to participate in that part of who they are pretending not to be. However I feel compelled PUUUUUSHHHHed to seep in under their radar and speak to that confusion in them that resides in me...so I

Want an explanation as to why do we hide who we are, silence what we want, yell obnoxiousness and whisper fears when all we want is to be loved...so I

Leak sometimes and it's not always because of me.
I leak when I hear my friends distraught over lacking resources;
I leak when I watch my daughter struggle with growing pains;
I leak when I feel my mother missing me over 1300+ miles away;
I leak when I participate in the joy of a girlfriend finally seeing her dreams come true;
I leak when I look at who I am and who I've been and I'm still not really clear on who I want to be
I leak when the Universe loves me through others and I allow it to penetrate through the mask and lubricate the healing wounds inside my heart

SO  I leak...

because sometimes there's just not enough room in here to hold all of me inside....and that's okay

it's who I am

A really good friend shared powerful wisdom with me yesterday as I fought tears from falling into my peppermint mocha @ Star Bucks.

She raised her voice and asked " Who are you? " " Who the Fuck are you?"...I sat there looking at the phone like "eh?"  " Everytime you take a bite of something sweet I want you to ask yourself WHO ARE YOU?"  This seemed a simple enough task however it was much more than I bargained for when I began to ask.  She went on to share episodes from her own life and how a friend had told her or someone else that the way she loved a certain person was NOT special, unique or different... IT'S WHO SHE IS!

Hmp. So when I bit into anything the rest of the day I took notice of the way I engaged life versus those around me and it's just the way I am.  I am me no matter who I'm with. I love the way I do whether it's male or female (of course I don't sex my girlfriends LOL) but you get the jist of it right?

I am the love that I share, no matter who I give it to it's always from me the way that I love. It starts slow and then speeds up (the slow phase varies) however it's always the same love. 

So besides telling myself I am sexy as I walk, now I've added to my eating habits to inquire of my spirit everytime I lift a utensil to eat..."Who are you?" 

Opportunities beyond the exit...

Revelation manifests reality that can't be ignored.  The game is OVER

There is the EXIT sign looming above me, yet in front of me no longer to be ignore...however  my sights are now seeing all the opportunities beyond where I must pass. So many doors to knock on, some are cracked, others WIDE open yet all are along the path where I am headed. 

A narrow causeway to another level of growth. I walk forward wondering...Just how long will it take to reach the other side and more importantly can I NOT turn around and look at that EXIT sign

PUSHING thru

I"m trying to push through to begin this damn 50k challenge and i'm coming up.... *crickets NOT A DAMN ALPHABET

BUT I did have an experience that has me wanting to tell the world but I can't. I want to share the details but it's inappropriate. It felt so calming, releasing, emptying something out of me that still has me in a state of EUPHORIA.

It was ALMOST as satisfying as chocolate and so you KNOW that's some shit for me. What if that can't be repeated anymore will I be okay with that "one hit wonder?"

At least I know some aspects of me aren't blocked anymore...now if I can just write.

it's NOVEMBER

Okay it's DAY 2 of my power month.  Declutter and write.

I didn't write yesterday however I did declutter. I put away all most of the clothes in my closet. I have 3 loads left for tonight and I have to write.  I'm writing a story for NanoWrimo.  50k word challenge. I'm also revamping my eating/workout life!.  I've been on my ass for 4 months!!  So now we gotta get back on the ball.

I'm doing a food diary and I guess I can chronicle it all here.  I did 50 crunches this morning, drank the yucky stuff,

food intake:
1 glass of water this morning
1 beef sausage kolache (from home)
yucky drink

2 multigrain tostito chips

chicken salad sandwich w/ chocolate malt and bbq chips from Potbellys

1 bottle water