still in search of silence

I borrowed a friend's India Arie cd this morning. I popped it in on my morning drive. I heard she's so into Musiq SoulChild now that I expected it to be a lovey dovey you changed me cd...I was wrong. Her song...RIVER RISE..had me in tears by the time I turned onto Memorial Drive.

I hit repeat a couple of times to just really take in the words...I guess I have received the confirmation that Spirit is listening to my craving for that space in the middle of me...

There was always A power I could feel It was guidance to tell me the way to go
But nowadays I feel like can't hear that voice I've been flying blind I need you to come and be my eyes.
(be my eyes)

River Rise Carry me back home (I cannot remember the way)
River rise Carry me back home (I surrender today)

I was always A charmed flower child I would sit for hours And listen to the sky
But nowadays I feel like I don't have that choice I've been looking down in desperation
I need you to be myinspiration yeah (My inspiration)

River rise Carry me back home (I cannot remember the way)
River rise Carry me back home (I surrender today)

I bow down And I humble myself I can't do this Lord I need your help All the material things
They feel like chains If you're not here beside me you're the reason I see
(Help me to remember the way) I surrender Help me to remember Only you can show me
(Only you can show me the way) I surrender (I surrender today) You are the only way Lord, I need you.

It's Tuesday and I"m looking at the calendar like DAYUM where in the hell did the month go? I mean next Monday is Memorial Holiday?

I start school in a few weeks. WOW. I need to register for second Summer Session. I wonder if I can get French 132 and music. I need to get into my psych stuff but hey...I also need to go easy on self first off. LOL.
I'm excited about returning to school. I'm excited about driving to Ohio for hopefully one of the last times to watch my youngest sister get married. It'll be the first time all my father's kids will be together in one place. Lanie is amazing. I love her.

Well gotta get back towork...ttyl

QUIET

So much NOISE in my head in my life in my world. It's my issue I invited the noise in to drown out the sound of pain and now I need, race after healing and silence is crucial to it manifesting.

QUIET

My own voice repulses me, I hate the phone ringing, the tweeting the FACEBOOGERS and music. I NEED I WANT SILENCE in a world that I created noises to silence my cries.

Working with the energy that goes against me

It's been a busy 2 days so far this week. I spent time Sunday evening listing out my items to accomplish this week. I've been successful so far. I feel the subtle effects of the Mercury Retrograde but not much. I'm glad for this. I'm working on things that I can control that aren't deeply effected by this energy. I don't feed too much into it otherwise it will control more of me that I care to release.

Still working on exercise 1 of No Matter What Cleaning out the victim bag! I'm giving each chapter a week to marinate on before moving forward.

Now it's almost afternoon, I brought my lunch my book is in at the library and so is the audio of the Audacity of Hope it's going on my itunes fo sho! then returned I already have fines to pay

Pilates tonight at Discovery Green so I'm looking forward to that! yuh right LOL

hmm eliminating the baggage

So I cut a few folks loose, I cut a few habits loose and now I'm cutting out some other stuff. I had friend once that called it "fluff."

I am on Twitter, facebook and I blog. I recently realized that..I hate to admit, I am a peepintwit. I was on twitter just to see what other people were doing or saying. I'm not sure that I ever really contribute much to the twitterverse. Mostly I am on Facebook. I've reconnected with old highschool buds and I've begun to network with some folks I normally wouldn't talk with.

Twitter...a godsis described it as being for those people who think out loud now can think it electronically. I follow a lot of folks most folks follow me based on my Facebook stuff LOL ! I won't delete my account but seriously when I actually WANT to post something on Twitworld I'm usually driving. I spend a good amount of my time ALONE and IN MY DAMN CAR so when I see or think stuff that I'd love to share with someone else I can't because I'm driving a damn stick! SMH..

So you are more likely tofind me here spewing random thoughts or on FB posting pics etc. It's much easier to snap a "you won't believe this ish." photo and upload it IMMEDIATELY to FB and then let folks comment.

BEsides as is obvious..I can't be confined to 140 characters.

A Month to work

This month Mercury will be retrograde and won't regulate its orbit until May 30. In the meantime we will all need to have lots of patience while delays and glitches crop up. Be sure to back up your computer and try extra hard to double check facts and figures.

So with this said, I am going to focus on my filing set up, clearing clutter in the house and gathering necessary info for revitalizing the non-profit. I tried to sync my phone yesterday and it wasn't successful. I think because I don't have outlook set up on there. I may purchase the Franklin Covey set up again.

I'm still on my exercise kick eliminating junk and other stuff here and there. I need to focus even harder on clearing clutter but we'll get there. I have all month right?

btw... got hit today with 3 NSF charges..just gave WAMU $105 in just free money...DAYUM mercury!!!

Strategizing progress

Wokeuptodayfeelingreadytogetsomethingsdoneinmylife.

Then I hit the job and my focus was taken by the negativity in the room

so i blog to remember the pacethatIrosewiththismorning searchingfor my list of thingstocomplete

1. phone calls
2. emails
3 follow ups
4. write down stuff

Progress these days is an animal that must be ridden HARD and bareback because if you can't feel it beneath you then you never know if your moving.

a good day so far

It's been a good day so far. Not much work to do. Supervisor aight today. (even bought me an edible bouquet) wonderful lunch with someone who is PUSHING me to do what I'm supposed to be doing and has money to pay!!!

Now I'll go home and clear space for a bit then go by a friends and have some grown up beverages on her deck (if she don't flake)

It's a good day...

summer movie lists

Ghost of Girlfriends past- Matthew McConaughey is a fox and I just read an article about his "vagabondness" I sooo like him
Angels & Demons- I secretly like Tom Hanks..
Dance Flick - gotta support The Wayans
UP- I am loving this ole guy
My Life in Ruins- the bus driver looks like ahottie
Imagine That- because Eddie M is at his best with kids
Transformers-revenge of the Fallen - I like Optimus Prime's voice and they're going to be in Egypt!
My sister's keeper- tear jerker
FunnyPeople- because Adam Sandlers is always good
Spread- just bcause I wanna be a cougar

I guess this gives me a clue about future blogs eh?

Introduction

I've been here before...many times in fact. Putting my thoughts out for public display and then being misunderstood, misinterpreted just MISSED.

Bitter, yes...forgiving... always

Unfortunately for me there is this undying flame,burning inside my spirit that MAKES ME WRITE what I'm thinking, feeling,experiencing and honestly...I do it for me.

I would love to be published and make money from it however my words at this juncture in my saga is dark, internal, twisted and not the bright bubbly that many want to read about.

I took the reality pill.The one that cuts thru the fluff and shows what's really at the core and I'm good with it..now but i wasn't before. Relationships are growing tools and they aren't always candy and chocolate. Sometimes they are the cold clay that lays lifeless (seemingly) in your hands and you try to plant your beautiful self inside, having no Frickin idea if there is enough nourishment to sustain the life that you have provided for yourself thus far.

It's too late when you feel the clay draining your essence to unpluck yourself...well you get what I'm saying right?

My reality pill came with a self imposed curse that has kept me locked up locked in for almost 8 yrs now. "I will never love anyone that way again...I will put my heart up on a shelf for the rest of my life" Stupid shit we say when we are soo damn heart broken..

Words have power and mine always have and so I've been trying to write my ass out of this situation. Along the way I have met men and women who are intrigued with who I am and who I am not. They have TRIED hard to compartmentalize me into what they needed to have me around.

Wait...let me say this now...Hello my name is ...I am a rescuer. If you tell me that you have issues I will listen to them all, I will analyze who you have been and who you say you want to be and I will put myself on hold while I begin to work in your life to improve you

Now with that being out of the way...people tend to get me wrong. As they grow in the relationship with me they fight against their old ways and when it gets hard...they fight me. They attack and i just stay there not out of the desire to be abused but because I realize it's part of the process but in the process I don't seem to realize the effect it has on my spirit and so as I'm slaying their demons and I stand there victorious...they curse me out for doing it. LOL

So I have been keepin to myself lately. I venture out every now and again to see if the climate has changed and NOPE...it's still the same.

So that's me. I don't enjoy being alone all the time but I do enjoy who I am. I ain't needy or clingy I just like good company and good fun. I also miss my solitude and ability to get into my heart. I miss my heart. I hope to find it again...

That's who I am...right now however with every damn moment; I'm changing