1st day of a new year

Some believe that the new year begins on January 1st and for some that may be true however for me...it begins today.  My first FULL day of being 42 years old.  My smile feels lighter and brighter. I have friends who love me and new spirits that I'm learning to love. I appreciate them all. 

My heart is still healing because I recognize that at least MY heart is always contracting and expanding; ripping and tearing not to be destroyed but to be larger and stronger because I KNOW that I have sooo much work to do STILL.

I'm excited and anxious about what this year holds for me.  Armed with a new and different understanding of who I am and the powers I'm learning to harness, I hold my head up a little higher than at 41...I shed another layer to be a bit more transparent than before...I'm ready to LIVE OUT LOUD

Breathing.

 I have 9 days until my birthday and I'm generating a small list of things that I will do going into my year to produce a better ME.

The first is breathing.  Sounds simple enough however it's not. Breathing may be an involuntary activity however when done incorrectly it causes, indigestion, stress, restlessness etc. Correct breathing, oxygenates your blood, vital organs, brings life to your smile, increases your endurance and works your heart muscle.  So I'm checking my breathing.  Breathing of my lungs, my heart and my spirit.  All have been insufficiently oxygenated for a while now.I have some activities lined up to improve my breathing in the coming months.

so innnnnnnnnnn....and outtttttttttt.

A new question....

What's the best change you've made to the place you live this year?

On Feed your Soul I mentioned the adoption of furniture.  I also am enjoying the platform my "soul sistah's" husband made for me.  If I could just get all the clothes off of it I would enjoy it even more.  It's a great place to curl up and read or write...


What have you done??

Something to meditate on...

#3 hindsight question

Night Out. Did you have a night out with friends or a loved one that rocked your world? Who was there? What was the highlight of the night?

I have to pass on this one. I haven't been out this year...that I can recall. I don't get invited to hang out. One group of "friends" think that I'm cut from a different cloth (they are in their late 30's) and so they treat me like I'm this straight,clean cut, don't go nowhere person.  They don't ask me.  The other friends I have usually go out with people they are comfortable with. I hear about their escapades later.  They have mentioned taking me out to some of their "fun" spots however it's the last month of the year and I've been to NONE.  I used to get upset about it however I'm settling into a groove of my life where I'm starting not to give a FUK! My feelings have been hurt wayyyy too often this year to number. 

So I'm not going to ask anymore, I'm not going to expect anymore. Exhale.  

so there is no highlight to discuss because I haven't been out. My world has yet to be rocked in a way that I can describe here. *wink.

next post please  

#2 hindsight question

Moment of Peace. Share an hour or a day or a week of solitude. What was the quality of your breath: The state of mind? How did you get there? 

To be honest I haven't had much solitude this year. I believe it's because I've been purposely keeping myself moving for fear that should I sit still and settle into my spirit...I would find there so much unrest that it would be overwhelming..HOWEVER since I've vowed to share...

It would have to be while in Sedona, AZ early this year in March.  This was my second year taking the trip with OISI ( a study group I joined last year) I had been meditating on what I wanted in my world both tangible and intangible.Courage, confidence and conviction were the 3 C's that I was focusing on most.  The vitamin C missing in my spiritual diet of sorts.  So that was the intent I set on a particular day and as we hiked,talked and walked in silence I felt these prayers circling in my head.  Around mid day we settled into a cavern-like area to sit and take in the full beauty of nature. We sat on a ledge that overlooked a green area and dried up paths where water once ran. As myself and the other OISI members silenced ourselves and listened to the soft drum of our Native American guide I heard a buzzing in my ear.  It was small and grew louder...My breathing intensified as I realized it was a bee.  A small one at first however as I prepared to turn it was replaced by a HUGE furry Queen Bee.  She sat behind me for what seemed like forever and I was instructed not to move.  It was as if she was checking me out. Every time I attempted to turn...she turned so I could NOT see her. She would zoom in close and then back but never leaving me. i was not wearing any perfume or anything to attract her so I became nervous but she just sat.  My mind reeled at the idea that I was about to be stung.  And then my Baba asked if I had been meditating on anything in particular and I responded with my 3 C's. Immediately...the bee left.  I laughed. We sat a while longer and I settled into my mind thinking of how quickly the Universe had sent a sign to "test" me on what I had asked for; maybe even showing me that it was not as far away as I had believed.  

The bee did return to greet me face to face,coming soooo very close that I could see it's wings beating. I spoke to it in my mind, thanking it for the lesson and grateful for the experience. After awhile, it flew off and the remainder of the trip everything spoke to what I had meditated upon. 

I do admit that I long to sit inside of me however I've created soooo much NOISE that when I attempt to do so...I fall asleep or I'm distracted.  I hope to change this in the coming year 

Is it gone yet?

 I hate being on this damn diet.  14 days of torture. Not eating any of the foods I enjoy because I need to have my body...flip the switch inside to stop producing so much insulin and cortisol which is making me HUGE.  It's been 8 days and I don't see no damn changes.  I still have 6 to go!  Now it is possible that the weight will come off in the next 6 days however if it doesn't then what? another 7 days?  YIKES.  I know I need to , must drop this weight but with if MY body doesn't respond to torture?

Getting in on an idea

Okay  a fellow blogger at FEED YOUR SOUL is doing a challenge and I thought I'd get in on it so here it goes...

Restaurant Moment. Share the best restaurant experience you had this year. Who was there? What made it amazing? What taste stands out in your mind?

To be honest I don't have any "best" restaurant experiences for this year.  As I sit here there isn't ONE that just sticks out in my mind.  I've really enjoyed them all. From eating mexican food with Khali and Colbe to the monthly dinner parties from My Friends' meetup to business lunch meetings with Magno or Tamani.  They've all been okay.  The company is good, the food is tasty and oh I can't forget my excursions to the Chocolate Bar.  Alone or with someone else it's always a good time.  

Maybe the next one I'll have better input however for this one...nada.

Peace

Somewhere in the midst of all these tears and cursing is a smile.  I have to believe that in a matter of breathes I will laugh uncontrollably at what I've experienced. For now...I am NUMB. Dwelling in that space of disbelief and confusion.  I can't stay here long...Peace beckons me.

I want to speak to what I feel would heal us all but that's not my role; not my place in this story.  Not sure what my role is just yet. To be honest I'm still inebriated from the effects of what I've been living.  Not yet sober enough to speak to much (that calm and makes sense anyway)

so I'm walking towards the middle...that space in the middle where it's serene and nurturing...Where I can get BUTT ASS NAKED in my SOUL and sort this out with the Universe watching and guiding me.

(because it's always within reach)

Do NOT Disturb

I got shit all over the place. unfinished projects, materials and tools to start new ones. I have other people's shit in my space and their unfinished projects and they have made no moves to come and retrieve it.  Every month for a solid 24 hrs I have an emotional meltdown. the present meets the past colliding and the tears flow.

This month i'm trying something different. I'm going to mind map my way through this. I'm assigning time and territories to various concerns of my life.  If i could find some balance right here I'd be okay....

A space in my middle...again

Acknowledging the  hole in my heart...

It hurts that he called me sounding like I was the one pursuing him (my friends said she was probably standing there)

I thought that at the very least he would have been different but to be WORSE than anyone I've ever met? 

(he couldn't even be open to a friendship...says alot don't it!)

 I hope he FEELS his lies and the pain that he has caused not only to me but to the others and her!

Heal fast, and deep

As my already fragile heart heals from this foolishness that I chose to believe in I allow the pain to seep through every pore if only to remind me of the pain that others will infect your spirit with if you allow them.  I want to hate but it's not in me to hate for more time than it takes the word to form in my mouth however I do know how to move the fuck on and forget.  So many distort and disease the word love that I no longer want to hear it fall from another's lips. No more romantic love...I simply no longer trust.


So that's what I'm choosing to do...begin the process of healing quickly.  To go within and emerge slightly different than before. Keeping my sacred center to myself...from this point forward.

He said he was different...

I was an idiot to believe him....

I shoulda been... coulda been..

DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!

it's over halfway through this month and I've done some de-cluttering however I've not written a DAMN syllable for NanoWrimo. SHIT SHIT SHIT..

I know that if I put my mind to it I can come close by midnight the 31st however it's going to REALLY mean that I'm writing my ASS off. So unclear of what to write about. I could work on my stuff or compile something new but shit i'm all over the planet on this one...

too many distractions and too much unstructured FREE time to wander in my head.  HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!

Sometimes...

Sometimes it's just not enough room in here to hold all of me inside.  And so I leak...

I walk around masked from many because to expose the soul that resides within this frame would send many into a headspin and they'd explode with confusion...so I

Keep it to myself and I smile and laugh. I silently observe and discuss within my UNSUPERVISED mind the turmoil of the humans and relationships and how do I fit into it all...so I

Feel what I shouldn't for folks that haven't asked me to participate in that part of who they are pretending not to be. However I feel compelled PUUUUUSHHHHed to seep in under their radar and speak to that confusion in them that resides in me...so I

Want an explanation as to why do we hide who we are, silence what we want, yell obnoxiousness and whisper fears when all we want is to be loved...so I

Leak sometimes and it's not always because of me.
I leak when I hear my friends distraught over lacking resources;
I leak when I watch my daughter struggle with growing pains;
I leak when I feel my mother missing me over 1300+ miles away;
I leak when I participate in the joy of a girlfriend finally seeing her dreams come true;
I leak when I look at who I am and who I've been and I'm still not really clear on who I want to be
I leak when the Universe loves me through others and I allow it to penetrate through the mask and lubricate the healing wounds inside my heart

SO  I leak...

because sometimes there's just not enough room in here to hold all of me inside....and that's okay

it's who I am

A really good friend shared powerful wisdom with me yesterday as I fought tears from falling into my peppermint mocha @ Star Bucks.

She raised her voice and asked " Who are you? " " Who the Fuck are you?"...I sat there looking at the phone like "eh?"  " Everytime you take a bite of something sweet I want you to ask yourself WHO ARE YOU?"  This seemed a simple enough task however it was much more than I bargained for when I began to ask.  She went on to share episodes from her own life and how a friend had told her or someone else that the way she loved a certain person was NOT special, unique or different... IT'S WHO SHE IS!

Hmp. So when I bit into anything the rest of the day I took notice of the way I engaged life versus those around me and it's just the way I am.  I am me no matter who I'm with. I love the way I do whether it's male or female (of course I don't sex my girlfriends LOL) but you get the jist of it right?

I am the love that I share, no matter who I give it to it's always from me the way that I love. It starts slow and then speeds up (the slow phase varies) however it's always the same love. 

So besides telling myself I am sexy as I walk, now I've added to my eating habits to inquire of my spirit everytime I lift a utensil to eat..."Who are you?" 

Opportunities beyond the exit...

Revelation manifests reality that can't be ignored.  The game is OVER

There is the EXIT sign looming above me, yet in front of me no longer to be ignore...however  my sights are now seeing all the opportunities beyond where I must pass. So many doors to knock on, some are cracked, others WIDE open yet all are along the path where I am headed. 

A narrow causeway to another level of growth. I walk forward wondering...Just how long will it take to reach the other side and more importantly can I NOT turn around and look at that EXIT sign

PUSHING thru

I"m trying to push through to begin this damn 50k challenge and i'm coming up.... *crickets NOT A DAMN ALPHABET

BUT I did have an experience that has me wanting to tell the world but I can't. I want to share the details but it's inappropriate. It felt so calming, releasing, emptying something out of me that still has me in a state of EUPHORIA.

It was ALMOST as satisfying as chocolate and so you KNOW that's some shit for me. What if that can't be repeated anymore will I be okay with that "one hit wonder?"

At least I know some aspects of me aren't blocked anymore...now if I can just write.

it's NOVEMBER

Okay it's DAY 2 of my power month.  Declutter and write.

I didn't write yesterday however I did declutter. I put away all most of the clothes in my closet. I have 3 loads left for tonight and I have to write.  I'm writing a story for NanoWrimo.  50k word challenge. I'm also revamping my eating/workout life!.  I've been on my ass for 4 months!!  So now we gotta get back on the ball.

I'm doing a food diary and I guess I can chronicle it all here.  I did 50 crunches this morning, drank the yucky stuff,

food intake:
1 glass of water this morning
1 beef sausage kolache (from home)
yucky drink

2 multigrain tostito chips

chicken salad sandwich w/ chocolate malt and bbq chips from Potbellys

1 bottle water

Reciprocity

Today I feel a need to begin harvesting.  Harvesting the results of what I've been planting and tending to all year thus far.  I won't begin to list these things because to be honest I've forgotten what some of the seeds were.  Nonetheless it's time to pick what's good for my soul and allow the rest to dry and wither in the elements.  Those would be the things that I don't remember planting or somebody else's shit in my soil trying to pretend it's of me.  NOT

I don't feel like I was a good gardener this year. I didn't methodically and strategically place things as I have in the past. I just let seeds drop where they desired.  Still what I'm initially seeing is alright.

The real test will come when I must feast upon this the remainder of this year. Will it sustain me? Will it sufficiently support me through the uncertain moments or will it be empty calories taking up space and emiting offensive gases when  I speak? 

I thought I was putting out what I wanted in return however I have concluded that maybe I was not paying attention to who exactly was in my fields, admiring my crops. Now that I'm ready to harvest, it doesn't seem quite as full as what I had envisioned it should be considering what I laid down.  Or did I mistake how much laid down versus what the soil absorbed?

Nonetheless...it's time for a harvesting and I have to live off what I can and plan better and differently for next year's growth.

How empty of me...to be so full of you

Time for Change

Energy shifts, thoughts float,

"When you can see the end before you reach the middle"

I forgot that I asked to be made ready to get ready for my future.  This morning I sat in my closet reading through memories that reminded me that I KNOW what I want.  I KNOW what it looks like, feels like. Most important I know what I FEEL like when it's right.

I contacted the person that shared those memories with me and they too admitted reflecting back on those years and how they KNOW that they are who they are today because of it.  WOW.  So, like that part in Boomerang when Eddie Murphy and Robin Givens were in the bed after he'd been with Halle Berry...Robin Givens asked if he is in love with Halle then why is he there with her...and he says something and leaves.

Why am I doing what I'm doing if I KNOW that what I'm supposed to be doing is not this??? hmp.

*she looks for the exit...jingling change in her pocket and smiling.

What it looks like

Sometimes we want something so bad we make it look like what we need it to in order to digest it.  We will manipulate our vision and everyone elses (or whoever will participate) to engage in our distortions.

We will eat off a smaller plate yet fill it either just as high or wide and boast about eating smaller portions.
We will wear different colors to give the appearance of being slimmer, thicker, bustier but you can't hide or shape it when your nude
We will repeat a desire over and over again in order to claim it as our own no matter what the obstacles in front of are. 

I learned long ago through disappointment, grief, broken heartedness and just all out frustration to stop looking SOLELY at the potential of things and instead look at what's REALLY there. Sometimes this is difficult because when you expand and constrict your vision for sooo long you will see what you want to see.

I feel better about my vision and altered perception yet it doesn't always sit well with everyone else in my village.

But I can only see through the eyes that I was born with and the vision that I have matured into.

What illusions do you give into?

on my back...

The other day I sprained my back, lower back. 

Cause: 

1. I was fixing the downstairs toilet in the half bath in a tight space, twisting and turning
2. My ancestors are trying to speak to me about something 
3. Louise Hay's book says I'm worried about finances and feeling that I have no support

Truth is...all of these are true.  I'm really stressing about my finances because I don't feel like I have any support if things get crazy.  My job of 2 years comes to a close at the end of December and I've been talking about attending TSU full time in order to aggressively knock out this undergrad; I decided not to depend on a guy that had been my financial safety net for the past 5 years (he's still around because, he just cares that much but well ya know); My Ancestors are trying to speak to me. Not sure what about however I've been recommended to just stay off my feet and listen.  So I'm blogging this then I'm off all electronics for a minute, okay a few hours. 

I want a food and something sweet, preferably chocolate cake from my favorite place.

But instead, i need to unblock, unplug and undistract myself from what needs to be heard.

Laying on my back looking out the window on a day like this...

I see...

Waiting for him

On what feels like a perfect Sunday, sitting home, thoughts wander around my Universe asking why is it that I am always waiting for someone to be ready for me?  I am a work in progress and I know that the Creator presents me well to potential suitors however the ones that reach out for me are never quite ready for me.  They want me to patiently wait and be exclusive unto them.  And because of who I am...I do. Wait with nothing in hand but a taste of what could be and a watch with no hands that still ticks time passing as I wait...for him...to be ready for me.

Truth is...Ready is never on the calendar or the clock it's jump in with what you got and state what you bring and what you lack and see if we can build together.  No one really wants to risk that with me...Well one did  but again...he was with someone else and not with me and didn't have enough respect to tell me how much he was still with her until it ultimately hurt me.  But I waited for him without knowing what the hell I was waiting for. 

Truth is that he set the bar for soo much of what I expect from a man and yet recognizing the plight of the black man and the brokenness of many black women's spirit...(even my own) I am waiting again on a man that is still with someone else yet claims to be wanting me and he speaks the words my heart wants to hear but his actions have yet to match beyond a temporary fix like a drink at a Friday night happy hour. 

Yet I wait...for him.  When in my core I know that when he believes he is READY he will separate and run towards me and touch me as he keeps moving beyond me to the next her....

that has been waiting on him to get ready...for her.

I like people who...

I found this in my old Yahoo 360 blog...still applies

I like people who like people.
I like people who like the color orange
I like people who like bagging blue jeans but not the sagging kind
I like people who like nice WHITE tennis shoes
I like people who like Chocolate and not hazelnut
I like people who like to be still
I like people who like to read books that don't have pictures
I like people who can write a complete sentence that doesnt' use IM abbreviations
I like people who like animals
I like people who like little kids (especially the kind you can send home.)
i like people who care about life
I like people who volunteer
I like people who know a few phrases in more than one language
I like people who can dance and sing and don't care who's around
I like people who can step back and observe life occurences in detached mode
I like people who arent' intimidated by confidence
I like people who can speak truth without malice
I like people who can be honest about what they want and not settle for much less than that
I like people who believe in fidelity
I like people who KNOW marriage is NOT about dresses, rings and tuxes
I like people who can love hard even when it hurts
I like people who can cry and laugh about the same situation
I like people who...like me..

WTF????

Lately I have no idea if I'm coming or going. Things seems familiar yet something is different and I can't quite put my finger on it.  There are days I feel as though everything that I thought was solid and safe has been confiscated, strategically removed from my reach.

Other days I'm  actively plotting and planning to leave what i've called home, found comfort in because that's all I had at my disposal.  Either way....it's a change and i'm going with it.

Does it really even matter if you've been snatched...or Escaped from captivity?

A taste for something different.

My tastebuds are not happy today. They crave something new and different yet as I run through the list in my mind nothing sparks an appetite.

That statement could be taken so many ways yet I'm referring to lunch eating options.  Yet IF i decided to take it somewhere else it would still apply.  I feel like i'm surrounded with the same ole bull shit. The same song and dance. The same abuse to victim patterns that dictate the reality around me.

But I'm hungry so I"m trying to discern what my options are. Handicapped by having no access to a vehicle I travel in my mind to places, tasting the experience they offer and it's BLAND and unappealing.  It all ends with a bottle of water and regurgitating words onto a website that no one visits because I haven't given the site out for comments.  Burp...empty air, growling stomach...

unsatisfied with what i've been eating....

hungry for something new

Released

POP! that's what it felt like when the spot was pricked. I always imagined it would be an Ooooooozzzzzing like the air slowing leaking from a pierced balloon. Instead it was a PRICK! a sudden burst that led to uncontrollable laughter masking sobs. I felt the humor in my gut as it rose up to the surface and EXPLODED into tears. It completely bypassed the lump in the throat; pushing upward and out with a momentum that I could control and ... tears.

I wished they were silent tears the kind that run down your face unnoticed and you brush them off with your shoulder but NO these tears were screaming to be heard, seen, touched and I was NOT alone. Embarrased and shocked at my reaction to my soul being punctured I tried to hide my face, silence the noise bubbling up inside and that only made the sobs intensify.

I tried to center myself, control the breathe, focus on something else and the centering was the catalyst that kept reigniting the mechanism that sent my breathe into sporadic firing exposing the leaking in my eyes. I wish I could stop it!! Why...can't...I...make...this...stop?

What is going on? Why am I out of control of my emotions and thoughts. What are my thoughts? its feels blank and yet i KNOW that my brain is racing it's like someone/something is blocking me from hearing my thoughts like it's just letting me FEEL and not think.

...calm, inhale/exhale, a smile of confusion...

Releasing something inside

wishing I had an idea of what life holds for me. tears falling down a dry face never quite reaching beyond my nose they evaporate for fear that someone may see the crack in my armor.

Those that I thought had answers only have answers for them. Those that don't have anything offer me promises they can't keep. I am in the middle, trying hard to hold on to my sanity, my hope, my belief in what's possible for me when I have no clue if who i've been in really me. I want to cry but my heart says "bitch you bet NOT." so I sit stuffed inside this prison I created to protect me that now suffocates the who that I fear may never be born...



and I don't think anyone even notices

Disconnecting

sometimes I feel like I'm holding a conversation by myself. When I talk for minutes, hours, days and still the person, people that I think I'm talking with just don't hear shit i'm saying.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just going thru the motions of things. moving my mouth but nothing is coming out ON PURPOSE. I really don't want to let them know what i'm thinking because I really don't feel like explaining my damn self. Ya know.

sometimes...I just ain't feeling this thing...

Losing battle

I fought hard against something I didn't understand. yet he knew all along that I was to be his. Allowing me to toil and resist his advances he let me exist in a false sense of control. He knows that at any moment all he has to do is reach out and kiss me. All he has to do is use that "key" he has gotten from somewhere to open my heart and hold it just long enough to let me realize he is there. All he has to say is " I got chu baby..." and I melt.

I know that part of me wants to lose this battle because I've tired of being who I've been and to just be a woman with a man sounds so nice but damn it I don't want another disappointment. He has me wanting to feel, breathe and smile again; taking me up soo high that if I fall this time...I don't think I'll recover if it's not real. Definitely need ju ju then LOL.

How can I compete with an answered prayer? do I really want to?

What the body remembers

I need a wipe down. you know like cleaning a motherboard of a computer..LOL

It's amazing, the human body that is. That one can get it cosmetically altered, the mind counseled and still those damn DNA cells will hold memory of things you really fight to forget.

Deoxyribonucleic acid will hold that shit in place hidden even from you until something happens an even if your mind can't remember your body will react and respond on it's own.

Can I get a new memory chip? I'm sure they have those out there that override the DNA programming...

Reflections to 20

I was supposed to be completing a written work titled "Reflections to 20." I wanted to offer my lessons, challenges, successes over the past 20 years. I haven't touched it in over a year.

I hold my head in shame because I have avoided picking up the piece in fear of not knowing what to reflect upon and what to leave to memory. More importantly, I'm afraid that I may not have learned some lessons that should be obvious to me.

However in my fear I also have realized that I've allowed my fear of truly reflecting of to keep me from moving forward. Every book that I've read recently and am still in the midst of reading speaks to cutting off one's self in order to deal with everyday life. I KNOW that I've done this. To break out of this is hard because it's soo much easier to look at where I've been. Many have no idea the emotional and somewhat physical abuse I endured over the years. Scars that are not visible to the human eye but can be felt by a soul if I allow it close enough. How I lost everything that I defined myself by (material items AND both my children). The loneliness, the isolation, the strangers that came in to help me but in the end at night it was just me...and a God I did not understand.

When the Creator moved me from that "valley" to a "Peaceful Groove," and then I encountered the Anthrax Hoax case that invaded my personal space and totally broke my spirit and heart going forward. No one realized that I have been locked within myself searching ALONE for a key to release myself because I know longer trust any other HUMAN being with my spirit and heart.

Recently I attempted to be open and yet the entire time I KNOW that I kept that part of me removed from the experience. I have learned to successfully (joke) to experience joy and pleasure from behind a well designed mask. But how long can I breathe here? No one really wants to deal with a wounded soul...not really...not even me

I miss you...

I woke up with you on my mind this morning. I have slowly removed your things from the house. Not all your things just the things accumulated when you "changed." I kept the parts of you that were pure, excited and untainted.

Still I miss you. I found myself lingering in front of your trophies, books you read and told me about with such enthusiasm. I stared at the hundred of cars that you refuse to allow anyone to touch and I smiled at the stuffed animals you chose to keep in your space.

Moving through my morning I decided that it was okay to miss you as much as I want to be angry with you about living your life the way that you do. Sitting on the train I listened to my ipod and read this book about the how young girls and boys change somewhere in adolescents and there was this part about the interaction of fathers with their sons and I was like..yeah yeah blah blah blah. However, when I reached the section on the relationship of mothers and sons I began to feel a lump in my throat and my nose heating up and my eyes swelling and I closed the book. I miss you. I have decided that this separation is necessary however it hurts like hell to NOT know where you are and how you are.

As I allowed myself to FEEL this range of emotions we were passing the Greyhound station and outside on the side of the building sat a young man with his bags, his head in his lap with his hands holding onto his head...asleep and I wanted to scream your name because it looked sooo much like you and I pray that it was NOT.

I know you will return one day when you are able to make sense of what is and isn't in your world. I know you aren't perfect and neither am I. We both cut off a large portion of ourselves in order to survive in the world I put us in. I'm moving forward anyway...I really need you to do the same.

But KNOW that I miss you.

Mom.

This walk with you

This walk with you...

I can't believe how easily I accepted your hand and followed you. How you just asked and I allowed you inside. This walk with you already has my head spinning and I'm not saying that to stroke your ego but to try to understand why and what the hell is happening here?!

I've been guarded for years now. I stepped out a few times since I put my heart in a vault. I maintained a safe distance and I was okay. But with you...I accepted your invitation gave you permission to be near me and you have stepped right up in my face and I can't breath.

Not the smothering kinda can't breath but the take your breathe away kinda loss. I have felt something familiar and yet this is all sooooo new to me. I don't understand your motives, your reasons for extending your hand to me.

You respect me like a gentleman, you hold me like a passionate love and you speak to me like a dear and cherished friend. I'm so lost right now. And I really don't care that I'm lost and that has me baffled even more. So now what? I don't even wanna know, I mean I can wait and wait I do for the next sounds to drop from your lips; the next message, the next time that you touch me just to feel ME...FEEL me.

"for every pound that occurs, I'll hold you closer. For every "eye opening" experience, I'll hold you tighter. For every bite of your lip I"ll kiss you longer... I'm the other part."

It's not my sex you are tugging at...it's my heart and I confess it terrifies me but damn it as much as I'm scrambling to hold on to my fortress...it's melting slowly and all I can think is

STOP

What if you can'/won't feed this hunger? What if I fall for you simply because you are being and doing all that is wonderful in my world? What if it consumes us both? What if ...

I stop asking these questions, and I walk with you anyway...

Released

Taking a chance on an opportunity to see what it's like to be the me I dream about. To step outside of the world (I built) that has held me captive and protected into one that is unpredictable and provocative.

Allowing myself to be "released" from what is familiar, painful and easy for a glimpse at experiencing sensations unknown, tantalizing and challenging.

Am I who I think I am? Am I who you think I am? Am I who I think you think I am?

We'll just have to see...

What's now behind me

Still marinating on what's passed. I'll share soon.

Detoxing

I dont have a fancy picture. I don't have the desire to change my font, color or text size. I just wanna write.

I recently traveled to Ohio for my youngest sister's wedding (yes I have siblings who are my father's not my mother's children) Traveling there was a disaster with an intense lesson I have yet to marinate on (i'm studying for finals) however I did realize that...

I'm extremely LONELY in my world. I have people who love what they think they know about me and yet spend no time really trying to get to know me. I have yet to cry because I have too much at stake to fall to pieces at present BUT soon I know that the tears will flow and then I'll share what I've learned.

Beautiful Chaos

The Ginger in my front yard insists on taking over. It's covered up the beautiful orange and yellow firecracker flowers and hostas and mexican heather. It has covered the walkway leading to my front door. I fought all last year with it and the HOA for trying to fine me because it was covering the house address! But when it blooms...

it's BEAUTIFUL. small white flowers emerge from long stalks and the bees and other flying insects feast upon it's nectar. When it rains the small lizards race to and fro hiding in the folage.

This year...I haven't touched it. I've allowed it to just do it thang! Grow, bloom, rise, fall and BE the Ginger plant it is.

Much like my life, my spirit to be more exact. I've stopped fighting with it this year and just let it flow into what it is supposed to be. Instead of pruning myself to fit someone else's "rules and polices," I've just allowed me in my Beautiful Chaos to grow. Not sure what direction except ALIVE with possibilities. funny the ginger stopped growing UP when I stopped fighting with it

I'm in school, raising finetuning my daughter's life as she allows for it. Mostly I'm working HARD at appreciating the seemingly lack of order in my world. Yet I have more routines and rituals than I ever realized, all jumbled together to create the wonderment that is ME!!!

still in search of silence

I borrowed a friend's India Arie cd this morning. I popped it in on my morning drive. I heard she's so into Musiq SoulChild now that I expected it to be a lovey dovey you changed me cd...I was wrong. Her song...RIVER RISE..had me in tears by the time I turned onto Memorial Drive.

I hit repeat a couple of times to just really take in the words...I guess I have received the confirmation that Spirit is listening to my craving for that space in the middle of me...

There was always A power I could feel It was guidance to tell me the way to go
But nowadays I feel like can't hear that voice I've been flying blind I need you to come and be my eyes.
(be my eyes)

River Rise Carry me back home (I cannot remember the way)
River rise Carry me back home (I surrender today)

I was always A charmed flower child I would sit for hours And listen to the sky
But nowadays I feel like I don't have that choice I've been looking down in desperation
I need you to be myinspiration yeah (My inspiration)

River rise Carry me back home (I cannot remember the way)
River rise Carry me back home (I surrender today)

I bow down And I humble myself I can't do this Lord I need your help All the material things
They feel like chains If you're not here beside me you're the reason I see
(Help me to remember the way) I surrender Help me to remember Only you can show me
(Only you can show me the way) I surrender (I surrender today) You are the only way Lord, I need you.

It's Tuesday and I"m looking at the calendar like DAYUM where in the hell did the month go? I mean next Monday is Memorial Holiday?

I start school in a few weeks. WOW. I need to register for second Summer Session. I wonder if I can get French 132 and music. I need to get into my psych stuff but hey...I also need to go easy on self first off. LOL.
I'm excited about returning to school. I'm excited about driving to Ohio for hopefully one of the last times to watch my youngest sister get married. It'll be the first time all my father's kids will be together in one place. Lanie is amazing. I love her.

Well gotta get back towork...ttyl

QUIET

So much NOISE in my head in my life in my world. It's my issue I invited the noise in to drown out the sound of pain and now I need, race after healing and silence is crucial to it manifesting.

QUIET

My own voice repulses me, I hate the phone ringing, the tweeting the FACEBOOGERS and music. I NEED I WANT SILENCE in a world that I created noises to silence my cries.

Working with the energy that goes against me

It's been a busy 2 days so far this week. I spent time Sunday evening listing out my items to accomplish this week. I've been successful so far. I feel the subtle effects of the Mercury Retrograde but not much. I'm glad for this. I'm working on things that I can control that aren't deeply effected by this energy. I don't feed too much into it otherwise it will control more of me that I care to release.

Still working on exercise 1 of No Matter What Cleaning out the victim bag! I'm giving each chapter a week to marinate on before moving forward.

Now it's almost afternoon, I brought my lunch my book is in at the library and so is the audio of the Audacity of Hope it's going on my itunes fo sho! then returned I already have fines to pay

Pilates tonight at Discovery Green so I'm looking forward to that! yuh right LOL

hmm eliminating the baggage

So I cut a few folks loose, I cut a few habits loose and now I'm cutting out some other stuff. I had friend once that called it "fluff."

I am on Twitter, facebook and I blog. I recently realized that..I hate to admit, I am a peepintwit. I was on twitter just to see what other people were doing or saying. I'm not sure that I ever really contribute much to the twitterverse. Mostly I am on Facebook. I've reconnected with old highschool buds and I've begun to network with some folks I normally wouldn't talk with.

Twitter...a godsis described it as being for those people who think out loud now can think it electronically. I follow a lot of folks most folks follow me based on my Facebook stuff LOL ! I won't delete my account but seriously when I actually WANT to post something on Twitworld I'm usually driving. I spend a good amount of my time ALONE and IN MY DAMN CAR so when I see or think stuff that I'd love to share with someone else I can't because I'm driving a damn stick! SMH..

So you are more likely tofind me here spewing random thoughts or on FB posting pics etc. It's much easier to snap a "you won't believe this ish." photo and upload it IMMEDIATELY to FB and then let folks comment.

BEsides as is obvious..I can't be confined to 140 characters.

A Month to work

This month Mercury will be retrograde and won't regulate its orbit until May 30. In the meantime we will all need to have lots of patience while delays and glitches crop up. Be sure to back up your computer and try extra hard to double check facts and figures.

So with this said, I am going to focus on my filing set up, clearing clutter in the house and gathering necessary info for revitalizing the non-profit. I tried to sync my phone yesterday and it wasn't successful. I think because I don't have outlook set up on there. I may purchase the Franklin Covey set up again.

I'm still on my exercise kick eliminating junk and other stuff here and there. I need to focus even harder on clearing clutter but we'll get there. I have all month right?

btw... got hit today with 3 NSF charges..just gave WAMU $105 in just free money...DAYUM mercury!!!

Strategizing progress

Wokeuptodayfeelingreadytogetsomethingsdoneinmylife.

Then I hit the job and my focus was taken by the negativity in the room

so i blog to remember the pacethatIrosewiththismorning searchingfor my list of thingstocomplete

1. phone calls
2. emails
3 follow ups
4. write down stuff

Progress these days is an animal that must be ridden HARD and bareback because if you can't feel it beneath you then you never know if your moving.

a good day so far

It's been a good day so far. Not much work to do. Supervisor aight today. (even bought me an edible bouquet) wonderful lunch with someone who is PUSHING me to do what I'm supposed to be doing and has money to pay!!!

Now I'll go home and clear space for a bit then go by a friends and have some grown up beverages on her deck (if she don't flake)

It's a good day...

summer movie lists

Ghost of Girlfriends past- Matthew McConaughey is a fox and I just read an article about his "vagabondness" I sooo like him
Angels & Demons- I secretly like Tom Hanks..
Dance Flick - gotta support The Wayans
UP- I am loving this ole guy
My Life in Ruins- the bus driver looks like ahottie
Imagine That- because Eddie M is at his best with kids
Transformers-revenge of the Fallen - I like Optimus Prime's voice and they're going to be in Egypt!
My sister's keeper- tear jerker
FunnyPeople- because Adam Sandlers is always good
Spread- just bcause I wanna be a cougar

I guess this gives me a clue about future blogs eh?

Introduction

I've been here before...many times in fact. Putting my thoughts out for public display and then being misunderstood, misinterpreted just MISSED.

Bitter, yes...forgiving... always

Unfortunately for me there is this undying flame,burning inside my spirit that MAKES ME WRITE what I'm thinking, feeling,experiencing and honestly...I do it for me.

I would love to be published and make money from it however my words at this juncture in my saga is dark, internal, twisted and not the bright bubbly that many want to read about.

I took the reality pill.The one that cuts thru the fluff and shows what's really at the core and I'm good with it..now but i wasn't before. Relationships are growing tools and they aren't always candy and chocolate. Sometimes they are the cold clay that lays lifeless (seemingly) in your hands and you try to plant your beautiful self inside, having no Frickin idea if there is enough nourishment to sustain the life that you have provided for yourself thus far.

It's too late when you feel the clay draining your essence to unpluck yourself...well you get what I'm saying right?

My reality pill came with a self imposed curse that has kept me locked up locked in for almost 8 yrs now. "I will never love anyone that way again...I will put my heart up on a shelf for the rest of my life" Stupid shit we say when we are soo damn heart broken..

Words have power and mine always have and so I've been trying to write my ass out of this situation. Along the way I have met men and women who are intrigued with who I am and who I am not. They have TRIED hard to compartmentalize me into what they needed to have me around.

Wait...let me say this now...Hello my name is ...I am a rescuer. If you tell me that you have issues I will listen to them all, I will analyze who you have been and who you say you want to be and I will put myself on hold while I begin to work in your life to improve you

Now with that being out of the way...people tend to get me wrong. As they grow in the relationship with me they fight against their old ways and when it gets hard...they fight me. They attack and i just stay there not out of the desire to be abused but because I realize it's part of the process but in the process I don't seem to realize the effect it has on my spirit and so as I'm slaying their demons and I stand there victorious...they curse me out for doing it. LOL

So I have been keepin to myself lately. I venture out every now and again to see if the climate has changed and NOPE...it's still the same.

So that's me. I don't enjoy being alone all the time but I do enjoy who I am. I ain't needy or clingy I just like good company and good fun. I also miss my solitude and ability to get into my heart. I miss my heart. I hope to find it again...

That's who I am...right now however with every damn moment; I'm changing